He always does, even when it's not the answer you wanted. Today is one of those days. One of those days that I sit back and cry, hurt, and have a heart full of disappointment because it's not the answer I wanted.
***This is probably the longest post EVER. Please don't feel like you have to read it; I just needed to write!!!
Let's go back to the beginning...
Thanksgiving, 2006, we were at Tony's parents' house celebrating. I unfortunately got the stomach virus--so I thought. A couple of days later I took a pregnancy test and found out I was going to have a baby! My sister married Eddie on December 2nd, so I waited until after that to tell my family. I gave my mom and dad these cute little poems to share the news. We gave Tony's parents an ornament that had the first five grandkids names' on the stockings and on the sixth one we put our due date. Everyone was so excited! My kids at school were excited, too. I told everyone when we got back from Christmas break. My school kids had bets going on whether it was a boy or a girl. I found out on March 2nd and the next day wore a shirt to school that said, "It's a boy." The sonograms were fun. I remember seeing my baby for the first time. That little blinking dot that showed the beating heart. It was amazing.
August 5, 2007, was my due date. Tony and I thought we'd be spending our first anniversary in the hospital with our new baby! In May, I looked like I was nine months pregnant! I waddled everywhere...and still had three months to go. I started having some problems with my blood pressure and then in June started going twice a week to the doctor to monitor the baby. It was scary, but things seemed fine. I made it to my July 10th appointment...with a migraine. As soon as I walked into the office, they saw me and took one look at me and put me into a room. The next thing I know, Dr. Arbabi sat Tony down and told us that I was preeclamptic. She continued to let us know that I was being wheeled over to the hospital and would deliver the next day. I was 36 weeks along. Wow! We called our parents and let them know. I had quite a few visitors that night, but hardly remember them because of all the medicines I was one. The next morning they induced labor and at 3:05pm my miracle entered this world. Malachi Lavon Cunningham was 6 lbs 9 oz and 20 inches long. We spent two more nights in the hospital and then came home on Friday afternoon. Tony's family came Saturday and brought loads of things for the baby. He was already loved so very much. Saturday night I could not lie down or sleep. I thought that it was because I was worried about Malachi. I called the doctor early in the morning and he talked me into going back to the hospital.
So, here we go, all three of us back to the hospital. They admitted me with double pneumonia. I thought that we would get to go home after a night there, but on Monday night I became completely incoherent. My mother had shown up a little while before I completely lost it. The doctors and nurses were arguing on how to take care of me, so my mom asked that I be transferred to Harris Downtown. Granbury has two ambulances and one of them was at a fire outside the city limits, so the Pecan Plantation volunteers came and picked me up. They almost dropped me, twice. Thank God Tony was there to help so I didn't go tumbling over strapped to the bed! We got to Harris and the poor guys didn't know where they were going. When we got up to the ICU floor I remember looking up and seeing about 12 nurses waiting for me a room. The doctor came and met us in the hallway and made Tony leave me. I couldn't talk at the time, but I remember thinking that I wasn't going to make it and they didn't even let me tell my husband goodbye. The nurses in the room poked me with needles and hooked me up to several machines. I had at least 15 cords hooked up to me. For three days I stayed in ICU. The nurses were amazing. I had many, many tests run and x-rays...you name it, I got it! The IVs were not wanting to stay in my arms, so they inserted a PICC line. Terri was so kind to stay right outside my room and talked to me while this was happening. It was pretty scary! The visitation hours were very strict and I couldn't wait to see Tony every two hours. He was able to stay in my room for 30 minutes at a time. My entire family were troopers. My parents, little brother, and cousin NEVER left the waiting room while I was in ICU. My mom's best friend kept the baby. Two of my closest friends brought me pictures of my baby to have with me in the room. A sweet nurse wheeled me and all my machines out for about 20 minutes one night and let me hold my baby! I was (and still am) so blessed. After 3 days, they were able to get my blood pressure, heart rate, and most of the pnuemonia under control. They moved me to a regular room and I was able to see Malachi every night! My cardiologist came in and told me that I had congestive heart failure due to pregnancy and I would not be able to have anymore children. At the time I was sad, but I had just had a baby, so it didn't hit very hard. I was just glad that they found out what was wrong and were able to treat it.
After a week and a half of the regular room, I was able to go home and be with my baby! I had doctor's appointments every day for the next week. Trying to get my meds leveled out was a pain. A month later I found out that God had healed my heart! It was such an amazing feeling.
About 6 months ago, I got a terrible itch to have another baby. I started researching on the internet and found some great news. Some doctors had done a study that looked good for me and I became hopeful. I have been sitting on it for awhile, but last week decided to make an appointment with a cardiologist that specializes in women with heart conditions that are pregnant. The appointment was made for today. I have prayed about it all week and had such a good feeling. I thought I would go in and he would tell me steps I needed to take in order to have a healthy pregnancy.
I was so excited this morning knowing I was going to find out about my future! We left and were actually on time!! They called me back into a room and the nurse came in. She took my blood pressure and it looked better than it has in awhile. She performed an EKG and it looked good to me, although, I don't really know how to read them. But it looked normal! She was very kind. The doctor came in a few minutes later. He shook my hand and then Tony's. He asked what was going on and I told him that I had a postpartum cardiomyopathy and I wanted another baby. He looked at me and matter of factly said, "We highly recommend no more babies." What????????????? That is not what he was supposed to say. That is not what I have read. What in the world was he thinking telling me what I didn't want to hear. I start crying (like I am doing now) and he told me the hard part of his job was telling people the truth instead of what they want to hear. I was just talking to God in my head, well not talking, screaming at Him....this is NOT what I want. He ensured me that he would get my chart from the hospital and talk to other cardiologists, but he was quite sure that the answer is no. He had good reasons. He made sense. I am just having a hard time taking the truth.
Clearly, God has other plans for me. Clearly, I just need to sit back and listen for His answer. Not the one I wanted, but the one He has for me. I think what makes me more sad than anything is because I didn't take enough time to enjoy my pregnancy. I was too busy complaining about being sick and tired and big and having to go to the bathroom all the time. I am sad because I'll never get to have another sonogram with the cold jelly on my stomach. I'll never get to go through the pain of the contractions. I realize that I can be looked at as selfish because I was able to have one baby. There are many people that can't even have any of this once, but it still hurts. It's not my decision to not have anymore children and I'm struggling with that!
If you took the time to read all my ramblings, please pray for me. Please pray that I will just sit back and be quiet so I can hear God's answer. I am so blessed to have an amazing husband and I have forgotten that he is sad in all this, too.
1 week ago